The mountains between my normal brain and my diseased brain

It has been awhile since I’ve logged into this community. In fact, it’s been almost one year since I have last written. Sometimes it feels as though my mental illness has created mountains in my brain and I am stuck in the valley on the opposite side of normal. After 5 years of dealing with it, one would think I would have managed to climb to the other side by now. Wishful thinking…

I would like to be able to say my absence was related to my vitamin D and calcium levels being so low that using my hands was extremely painful. That is only half of the reason. Good news though, my doctor finally listened to my complaint of excruciating cramps in my feet and pain in my hands which resulted in treatment that has slowly started working. Truth is, I think most of my absence can be blamed on my state of mind. I still struggle daily with my mental illness and sometimes (most times) I just get exhausted with dealing with it. So much so, I stopped writing about my disease because that just gives me more opportunity to talk about myself, which I actually don’t like to participate in…just ask my therapist.

I’ve learned a lot myself in the year that I’ve been offline. More than I knew back then. There have been some really great things that happened during that time and some really shitty things. I’m still bipolar and I still have cancer (it’s back). Many thanks to United Healthcare insurance for not dropping me after all these years.

Good random news though….Starbucks is getting rid of straws. I hope more establishments follow suit. Here is my last evidence of my contribution to trashing of our oceans. Truth? I rarely have anything from this establishment. I only go if I am desperate or when my dog is in need of a puppucinno. He rules my life.

I am a huge supporter of recycling, composting, vegetarian/veganism etc. so hopefully more people stop using straws and other harmful materials… it’s a start. This is an example of my defense mechanism, when talking about me I will often transition the conversation to some random thing in an attempt to distract or make the other person laugh in an effort to stop talking about me. Did it work?

Some things I learned this past year:

• I really loathe (an unnatural amount) talking on the phone …unless I am intoxicated off my own margaritas.
• I found my own strength to do something I’ve really wanted to for a long time and have been a dedicated vegetarian for one year…never going back.
• how to make my own almond milk that beats any you can find in a store
• how to cook at least 20 new dishes and each are phenomenal
• how to make my own margaritas (the ones that I like) because I am too weird to order one in an establishment
• if you walk through a sprinkler, you’re going to get wet no matter how hard you try to avoid it.
• I likely will never fly in an airplane again unless I obtain my own pilot license.
• I sometimes feel embarrassed that I support government (never supported this administration) after all of the atrocities that have happened from all of the lies to Hurricane Maria Puerto Rico response to ripping children away from their parents. Just to name a few.
• I’m even more less tolerant of people than ever before, especially when it’s too peopley outside.
• I cannot go into an establishment and purchase anything unless there are less than 3 people in line or self-checkout option.
• Cooking is a great form of therapy for me especially in the absence of having a garden to tend to at the present moment.
• my mental illness wins a lot of days, but I also win some and those are the absolute best days.

Also…I really love this goat, I don’t even know if she has a name

https://www.instagram.com/p/BlTw9mcjd4g/?taken-by=goatsofanarchy

Also, also, I really love this woman who drove this many miles just to bring me zucchini bread that she makes a damn good loaf (I love it so much) and was craving it ….

Said woman also helped me get through my annual cancer testing that was one of the most stressful periods yet. Now that I am a vegetarian, protein is important to me and due to the cancer testing, I had to be on a special diet for two weeks … I became extremely stressed/anxious to the point where I had decided to not go through with it. Cooking a simple meal from the specialized diet seemed unattainable for me …I just wanted to be able to eat my daily serving of PB sandwiches. She made sure that I could by baking me several loaves and found some PB that I could have on the diet. Without the scan (that turned out clean – but the doctor didn’t believe it based on my labwork), we wouldn’t have known the cancer had returned. There’s so many days I feel like giving up and no longer fighting cancer, but she doesn’t let me. For that I am grateful. We’ve known for many, many months now and I still haven’t found a way to tell my family. The longer I keep it from them, the harder it becomes to tell them.

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So “where” am I now?

Struggling mentally still, but taking it day by day as there are many options left for me. There are so many positive things going on for me despite how I might feel most days. If you were to ask me, I’d say I was no different than I was when I last wrote, but if you ask others who deal with me daily, they’d disagree. I still can’t see in myself what others see in me. I have no idea how my family and loved ones don’t just give up on me like some have in the past. Still awaiting treatment for cancer recurrence, I see the surgeon next week. Considering a procedure known as transcranial magnetic stimulation for my depression. Has anyone reading this had this done, or know someone who has? If so, shoot me a private message or comment. I’d love to know the experience of others.

Doctors orders?

Get outdoors more because I love it – I bought a bike and my lady bought me some new toys for it. I live in this beautiful place that I have yet to take full advantage of…but really, what more could I ask for in a view?

Cook more – not that I need cooking class, but suggests it since it is a form of therapy for me. Read more for pleasure and stop focusing on things I cannot fix. Love myself more as I am still my worst enemy.  Play golf.

Whale…here’s to coming back. I’ll be seeing you.