The words …

Have you ever said something to your psychiatrist and been given that look? You know the one…that “you’re really crazy, much more than I had previously thought…you might be the craziest patient to ever come through my door” look. Yep. For the first time my doc gave me said look. That was two weeks ago. I called her out on it and she denied it …it wasn’t until I called her out on the bullshit that she finally let me see what she was writing on her notes (she rarely writes notes but this time it was different). There it was in bold letters and she even put a fucking bold circle around it …like the words by themselves were not bad enough.. That leaves me to ask…when words are circled, does that make them more serious? I paused for a moment and then she said the words aloud…

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“Christopher, I am afraid you’re about to have an acute episode of psychosis…I would like you to be admitted for 3 days of medication, therapy, and most important…mental rest” she said …

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Our appointment had already run it’s course but being that she’s a pretty top notch physician, there I sat on her chair for a bit longer. She went on to talk to me for another 15 minutes or so…seemed like hours. I didn’t want to hear what she had to really say, but I also did…quit the contradiction. I do that a lot to myself but it’s my life so there’s that. Acute psychosis may not seem like the worst thing and that’s because it’s not, but it also is not somewhere I want to be when I’ve been working so hard to be more stable. Or so I thought…I realized today that the latter part of the previous sentence isn’t as true as I had believed. I could be working harder. I sometimes make excuses such as, “I’ll do it tomorrow” or “just one more day.” Only to repeat the same excuse the very next day.

So what happened after that visit? I wasn’t admitted because the first week of my last course started two days after that meeting so instead I had a 5 day course of a very potent anti-psychotic and it left me feeling completely numb and empty. My brain didn’t function unless someone prompted me and I’m shocked I didn’t end up with a bedsore during that time. I also had the flu on top of all taking that medication …fun times, best I ever did have. I think I may have even drooled a little.

Now that I am done with that phase of treatment, I have been prescribed CBT therapy three days per week until my psychiatrist says otherwise.  I really loathe the psychologist but for now she will have to do. Her office has a non-therapeutic feel and she’s one of those people who has terrible toilet bowl breath but doesn’t realize it …and that odor travels and lingers. She doesn’t even have to speak and it’s there…Hopefully the intensity and frequency of these appointments cease soon, actually they most certainly will (more on that in a just a minute). I had been dreading tomorrow’s appointment all day with her because the past 24 hours I have had a terrible time battling my mind (just as worse as the day I was sitting in the psychiatrist’s chair and was delivered the awful news) but I finally got that sorted out …must be the increased dose of Lithium, which has given me no ill side effects…always a good thing. However, I can’t give all the credit to Lithium….

My sister/mother bought me this kick-ass hat from the ATL bacon festival…I am a barbecue enthusiast and this hat couldn’t be anymore perfect. It’s my new favorite. Definitely looking forward to firing up my smoker and grill again soon. I slay the meats. That might be the most hip thing I have ever said…She also is bringing my favorite BBQ sauce and seasoning from ATL.

My friends wife not only gives me great concert tickets anytime I ask but she also just so happens to be a great with a pair of shears and she gave Ace a much …much needed haircut. I was going to attempt it myself but the last time I trimmed a dog’s hair ..my girlfriend at the time gave me shit for two weeks because the dog ended up with an uneven mohawk.

Last but not least…my favorite Dunkin Donuts coffee expert gave me all of these munckins for Ace (I probably ate almost ten before I snapped this photo) …so in other words…Daddy hit the jackpot if you’re going for giving your dog high cholesterol and I didn’t even have to pay for it …

What’s next for me?

My sister/mother and the other sister are both flying in this weekend and we are road tripping it to my future city of residence to look at houses and this will be one less thing for me to worry about.

I graduate in four short weeks with my second graduate degree (one cannot be too educated) and…

I meet with my endocrinologist who will be discussing my case with the new endocrinologist I have chosen in my new city as I just received confirmation late afternoon that the cancer is not gone and I have six remaining lymph nodes with a high probability of them containing cancer cells (need biopsy of each to confirm). Not what I wanted to hear of course but it is what it is and I must deal with it …

But for now…jam out …and maybe dance all by myself …hopefully improve my mood after such a shitty past twenty-four hours.